Monday, January 18, 2010

an excerpt from the book.... The Loaded Gun Theory, A Good Girls Guide To Loving a Bad Boy....

...I have this theory - I call it "The Loaded Gun Theory". It's to keep your man happy and yourself sane & secure.
-You NEVER let your man walk out the house with a "loaded gun". Chances are it might go off, and chances are, somebody might get hurt, and chances are, that somebody might be you-

This is the way I live and love. Always giving every piece of myself to make sure I get back what I need. sometimes I feel so exhausted and empty like I just cant do it anymore and then my emotions fill me up and give me the fuel I need to keep going. I'm addicted to it and it gives me what I need to keep loving his ass even when it feels like I'm last on his list.

He THINKS he has total control. Hell, I think he has total control, but the truth is that the survivor in me has been planting seeds from the start. Little moments and gestures that when added up tell him that he could never leave me. I am the yin to his yang. I balance him, he breathes me the same as I breathe him.

My extreme devotion to him is admirable yet probably not healthy, but what relationship is?There is a little girl in me still searching for my daddy. Still aching to feel acceptance and approval from a man. When a girl grows up with no father it affects her life in such a drastic way. I never believed that until I was older, but it's so true.

I go through this cycle of loving and hating my mate. The damaged part of me feeds off the drama. Like a drug, I use my relationship to feel highs and lows, all of it subconsciously. It feels so good to feel that love after I cry, to have an argument and feel the calm security of making up. I revel in it. I savor it. I feel whole and complete. And then, when the high wears off my insecurities creep back in, or he will do something to make me question his love and loyalty, and then that's all I see. All the love is forgotten for the moment because I don't believe it. How could anyone love me? How could this man that I see such great things in really want me?? I must be unlovable and undesirable because every man that was ever supposed to love me has left or abused me or both. I'm scared of even being loved, I don't know how and it seems I'm not that good at it.

Damaged people attract other damaged people, so true to form, my man is damaged too. He is a beautiful manipulative contradiction, just like me. He is my masculine counterpart and the only person who has seen me at my rawest. He is a powerful storm that calmly rages leaving me awe struck and helpless. He is a criminal and a king and an enigma. Being with him is like being hypnotized by a fire that you know will burn you - but the pain brings love.

We struggle together and clamour through life without much grace but abundant courage. We have volatile fights and passionate sex. He can make love to me just by looking into my eyes. After almost 6 years my skin still begs for his every touch.
Every time I want to leave him I'm magnetically pulled back to him by our unbreakable connection. We hurt and heal each other constantly. We love and hate each other without warning, but at the end of the day we have a deep understanding and profound respect for one another. He is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.

He is a gentle monster ravaged by life and his own struggles just trying to live his dreams and be left alone. Everyone tries to get a piece of him and no one gives him a chance. I stand by him, mentally battered, but proud and loyal. He will never run out of chances from me. I will never break him down and exploit the pieces, but hold him together even when he won't admit he needs it. I will silently watch his back even when he says he got it.I will submit to him always and take honor in my role as his woman.

I beg him for "normalcy" but know we can't be "normal". Why would we want to be? Normal means boring. Normal means more 50% divorce rate. Normal means telling someone you love them and will never leave them and then giving up on them first mistake they make.

I'm content for us to be different, to be reckless, but so intricately woven into each other that nothing short of an act of God could separate us. It is security in my own insecurity.