Wednesday, October 6, 2010

What Makes Vaginas Sad

Bad Kissers

You guys, I almost feels sorry for. If you can't kiss there is NO WAY you're ever gonna get the coochie. It’s just not going down. We are gonna make any excuse we can to get thee hell outta there ASAP. "Oh shit, my babysitter just texted me, I have to go" or "I'm on my rag, I can't" or whatever else she can think of to get as far away from your mouth as possible.

Now, I'm sure "bad kissing" is subjective, and I'm sure women like different things, but I can just about guarantee you that if you are doing any of the following nobody is enjoying your smooches:

Do NOT shove your whole tongue down our throats. Ew. Ew. Ew. If I feel your teeth scraping the sides of my mouth I'm done.

No pickle tongue please. Do not poke, prod, or dart your tongue in and out of her mouth.

For God sakes shave. If you have sand paper for five o'clock shadow I'm going to punch you.

And lastly, just let it flow. Let me breathe. Come in and out for kisses. Big ones, little ones, move around town a little, whatever, but don’t hold me hostage by the back of my head and force me to hold my breath while you probe my stomach with your disgusting pokey pickle tongue.

Kiss soft at first and work up to more. Starting with a deep passionate kiss is awesome too, but it's a move reserved for pros only. Don't do it unless you KNOW you're the shit!

Moving right along, lets discuss foreplay.

Ding Dong Ditch and Other No-No's

I'm not sure why but it seems that since Junior High guys have thought that the best way to get a girl hot is by furiously finger banging her as if angrily ringing a door bell. Well guess what - no one's home mafucka!!!!

It's sensitive in there, you have to start slow, and newsflash: there's a lot more to making a vagina happy than just jamming your fingers in it. We have a lot going on down there. Unless you want us to start neglecting balls, you need to pay attention to all of it. Finesse it, and for fuck sake (literally) if you're gonna put your fingers up there know what you're looking for. When you do it right her reactions will let you know.

Make sure you make lots of eye contact. It doesn't matter if it's your girl or just someone you're boning. It's hawt. Also please speak up. Silence is the worst. How boring. Makes us wanna slap the top of your dick like a microphone and say "testes, testes, 1, 2 .. IS THIS THING ON???"

And for the best advice I can give ... drum roll ... Learn to eat pussy and enjoy it. Plain and simple.

Overall we prefer if you don't fumble around with no clear destination in mind. The object is to get us there or get us ready to get there. Don't be selfish, if you do it right we want more. Everybody is happy.

The Motion In The Ocean

When it comes to the actual sex, technique is key. Different women like different stuff, so you will have to find out what your working with by paying attention to her, but there are some things you just shouldn't do.

DO NOT try to bang it out off top. It is not a timed event, there is no rush. Also there is not a target on my cervix and this is not a boxing match. Now don't get me wrong - it’s cool to go hard in the paint, but not in the first 30 seconds. Respect it. Think of it like someone inviting you into their home. You wouldn't walk into somebody's house and start stomping around and breaking shit. Let her tell you or read her reactions before trying to puncture her lungs with your penis. Harder or faster doesn't necessarily mean better. That's a rookie move, develop some skill. Give us some good stroke game.

If you don't have stamina I would suggest you work on that because I'm sorry, but nobody is gonna cum in one minute seventeen seconds. However, sometimes it's just not your fault. Go for round 2 (or 3 or 4)! Or make up for it in other ways (see above pussy eating comment).

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, don't you ever in your life get too freaky the first time you hit!!!! This is weeeeiirrd! Keep it somewhat basic until you get to know each other a little better. Any impressive "moves" you know would be Ok, but I swear the next time a guy tries to stick something in my ass the first time I'm gonna stick something in HIS ass and see how HE likes it. You can't just be doin' shit like that fellas. Freak nasty stuff has to be negotiated or at least suggested in a drunken stupor. No surprises.

So there's a general "what NOT to do", you will have to figure out the things you SHOULD do on your own, that post would take too long to write.

Please feel free to comment, leave you feelings or any No-No's I neglected to mention.


  1. Preach it!

    I also hate motor boat pussy licking. This is not a porno. Get it together.

  2. this was too funny (and true). If only my boyfriend in high school would have read this...

  3. you are my savior! now i just need to figure out a way for my boyfriend to "accidentally" see this!

  4. Thanks for the tips. They're pretty funny too.