Wednesday, October 6, 2010

What Makes Vaginas Sad

Bad Kissers

You guys, I almost feels sorry for. If you can't kiss there is NO WAY you're ever gonna get the coochie. It’s just not going down. We are gonna make any excuse we can to get thee hell outta there ASAP. "Oh shit, my babysitter just texted me, I have to go" or "I'm on my rag, I can't" or whatever else she can think of to get as far away from your mouth as possible.

Now, I'm sure "bad kissing" is subjective, and I'm sure women like different things, but I can just about guarantee you that if you are doing any of the following nobody is enjoying your smooches:

Do NOT shove your whole tongue down our throats. Ew. Ew. Ew. If I feel your teeth scraping the sides of my mouth I'm done.

No pickle tongue please. Do not poke, prod, or dart your tongue in and out of her mouth.

For God sakes shave. If you have sand paper for five o'clock shadow I'm going to punch you.

And lastly, just let it flow. Let me breathe. Come in and out for kisses. Big ones, little ones, move around town a little, whatever, but don’t hold me hostage by the back of my head and force me to hold my breath while you probe my stomach with your disgusting pokey pickle tongue.

Kiss soft at first and work up to more. Starting with a deep passionate kiss is awesome too, but it's a move reserved for pros only. Don't do it unless you KNOW you're the shit!

Moving right along, lets discuss foreplay.

Ding Dong Ditch and Other No-No's

I'm not sure why but it seems that since Junior High guys have thought that the best way to get a girl hot is by furiously finger banging her as if angrily ringing a door bell. Well guess what - no one's home mafucka!!!!

It's sensitive in there, you have to start slow, and newsflash: there's a lot more to making a vagina happy than just jamming your fingers in it. We have a lot going on down there. Unless you want us to start neglecting balls, you need to pay attention to all of it. Finesse it, and for fuck sake (literally) if you're gonna put your fingers up there know what you're looking for. When you do it right her reactions will let you know.

Make sure you make lots of eye contact. It doesn't matter if it's your girl or just someone you're boning. It's hawt. Also please speak up. Silence is the worst. How boring. Makes us wanna slap the top of your dick like a microphone and say "testes, testes, 1, 2 .. IS THIS THING ON???"

And for the best advice I can give ... drum roll ... Learn to eat pussy and enjoy it. Plain and simple.

Overall we prefer if you don't fumble around with no clear destination in mind. The object is to get us there or get us ready to get there. Don't be selfish, if you do it right we want more. Everybody is happy.

The Motion In The Ocean

When it comes to the actual sex, technique is key. Different women like different stuff, so you will have to find out what your working with by paying attention to her, but there are some things you just shouldn't do.

DO NOT try to bang it out off top. It is not a timed event, there is no rush. Also there is not a target on my cervix and this is not a boxing match. Now don't get me wrong - it’s cool to go hard in the paint, but not in the first 30 seconds. Respect it. Think of it like someone inviting you into their home. You wouldn't walk into somebody's house and start stomping around and breaking shit. Let her tell you or read her reactions before trying to puncture her lungs with your penis. Harder or faster doesn't necessarily mean better. That's a rookie move, develop some skill. Give us some good stroke game.

If you don't have stamina I would suggest you work on that because I'm sorry, but nobody is gonna cum in one minute seventeen seconds. However, sometimes it's just not your fault. Go for round 2 (or 3 or 4)! Or make up for it in other ways (see above pussy eating comment).

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, don't you ever in your life get too freaky the first time you hit!!!! This is weeeeiirrd! Keep it somewhat basic until you get to know each other a little better. Any impressive "moves" you know would be Ok, but I swear the next time a guy tries to stick something in my ass the first time I'm gonna stick something in HIS ass and see how HE likes it. You can't just be doin' shit like that fellas. Freak nasty stuff has to be negotiated or at least suggested in a drunken stupor. No surprises.

So there's a general "what NOT to do", you will have to figure out the things you SHOULD do on your own, that post would take too long to write.

Please feel free to comment, leave you feelings or any No-No's I neglected to mention.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Women: Uncensored

Ok, so usually I try to not be biased in my writing. I try to think of men and women as equal but different. I make sure I don't insult the good men out there and I try to be honest about women’s faults too.

But I was thinking.... I owe it to my girls to not hold back just one time and say how we really feel. So if you are a man who is interested and you happen to give two shits how we feel, please read on. However since in my experience, a man who truly cares about a woman's feelings is a mythological creature, it looks like it may just be us girls.

So guys, if you're still reading, give me a pass to man bash just this once. You yourself are the only one who will know if this applies to you, so don't take it personal. Ladies...I'm waiting for my high fives.

To you sorry low down dirty mafuckas - We are tired of the following:

Being cheated on, hit, lied to, left financially responsible for everything, used, choked, pushed, cursed/yelled at, made to feel unimportant, used as an option, given shitty birthdays, not being acknowledged/appreciated, playing along with your bullshit crazy plans, raising children by ourselves, etc.

We also don't like it when you get our cars towed, impounded, totalled, or just generally taken on a constant basis.

We are not fond of phone calls from whores, skanks, strippers, baby mamas, and even YOUR mama if she seems to have a problem. We are even less fond of finding the belongings of the afore mentioned females.

It is also not okay to give us the ole "dirty dick" (which is administered by having sexual relations with more than one female at a time). We prefer not to be introduced to your conquests by being told that they are your cousin. When I find out that I smiled in that snooty bitch's face out of respect for your family and it turns out you're hittin that... I'm gonna be on the news. The same rules pertain to your side bitch's things, we don't want to unknowingly see or use any of there stuff including but not limited to cars, jewelry, hair, bras, panties, shoes, and STD's. Thank you.

As a word of advice to you dumb fucks: if you're going to cheat, make it random, no one really cares about that. If you carried on a relationship though - please die before we find out.

Also, do NOT pursue a relationship with us if you are already in one. Stay with your wife/baby mama/girlfriend whatever. We don't want your fucking half ass left overs.

For you bitch made muthafuckas that have to flex on your woman through physical force - Karma is a bitch just like you and I promise life will find a way to hand your ass to you.

To the liars - Read the post before last, get your game up. Lying just to lie is only done to hide the fact that the truth isn't even worth mentioning. If you are so ashamed of yourself or your actions that you have to frequently lie then maybe you should take your life to another place before attempting a relationship.

To the lazy, selfish mafuckas that don't eat pussy or roll right off and go to sleep as soon as they bust - I hope you develop a condition that allows you to come deafeningly close, but never actually come. Be a man. Satisfy your woman if she satisfies you. Everybody wins.

To you creeps that get us pregnant and leave us. I hope someone removes your testicles…through your ass. And DO NOT come back when your so called children are grown and try to take credit for ANYTHING good about that child. You didn’t do that you piece of shit, his mother did.

And for the few of you bastards who have a woman who has stuck by your disgusting unworthy ass through one or more of these atrocities - YOU ARE NOT SLICK. You are lucky. Your woman is either completely stupid, or just a really good woman. Maybe SHE doesn't even know which, but I guarantee you that regardless of which it is, you don't deserve her.

Yes, as women it is our duty to respect and even obey our men. God put us here to care for them and help them reach their goals and kind of be their "assistants" in life if you will - but Eve was made from Adam's rib to stand by his side, not from his ankle to be at his feet.

Behind every bitch there is a man that made her that way. I swear that saying is sooo true!! If you are put down, stomped on, held back, abused, hurt or mistreated enough times you will be forced to change as a defense mechanism. One true test of how strong a woman is (I think) is measured by how much of the above mentioned bullshit she can endure without letting it change her character.

So when do we get to flip?? When do we get to get mad and fight back? When do we get to crush your feelings, your livelihoods, your balls and your self worth? I'm guessing never...but posting this did make me feel a little bit better.

*Special thanks to the women who volunteered their misfortunes to be part of this post.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Lateral Moves

Question - Why do brawds always leave one guy because they claim he's a loser only to jump right into a relationship with an even bigger loser?? I mean come on ladies!! First of all, If you're leaving any kind of long term relationship you should allow yourself some time on your own. And when you DO decide you're ready to be with somebody WHY in THEE FUCK would you settle for some bullshit?

I just don't get it.

I have this theory about men and about how to be happy in life: I think EVERY man has problems (every woman too, but for the sake of argument I'm just talkin about the fellas right now). A smart woman will not hop from relationship to relationship looking for some greener grass. She will pick one basically decent man that she loves and STICK BY HIM. Learn his problems and love him through them. At least you know what to expect. I guarantee your dumb ass gon' be sorry when you leave a good man who loves you for a douche bag  with just as many problems which are now surprises to you. Rookie move bitch.

And another thing while I'm on this rant: Umm, did it ever occur to you chick, that the grass is never greener because YOUR stank ass is killing it?

I mean, come on. We have problems too ladies - some of us are clingy, some of us are cold, some of us are stalkers, sluts, skanks, etc. Some of us don't have no brains, some of us talk too much and tell too much business. Men gotta put up with a lot of shit too.

If you're sitting around wondering why you have nobody or why it never works, or why you keep attracting losers then maybe you should evaluate YOURSELF and make some changes.

Women (sometimes even me included) love to blame men for all their problems. Well ladies, I challenge you to take responsibility for your own situations. Placing blame elsewhere means you have no power.  It also means that you, my friend, are going to make a lot of lateral moves.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

What Men Need To Know To be Better Liars

Today let's talk about LYING. We all do it. If you say you NEVER lie...THATS a straight up LIE. It really don't matter how small or big - a lie is a lie is a lie. So now that we're all done judging each other, let's look at the reasons behind why men lie.

He doesn't want to hurt you
Maaaybe sometimes, just sometimes, your man will tell a lie because the truth looks bad, but was nothing, and he doesn't want to hurt you. More likely than this, however, is the next explanation...

He doesn't want to deal with your reaction
I would think this is probably the most common reason men tell lies. C'mon ladies, admit it...we tend to over analyze EVERYTHING. We are going to take the truth, then blow it completely out of proportion, then hang it over his head. Forever.

In our defense though, I would like to say that this is definitely NOT always the case. Sometimes our reaction is completely within logic and reason. Y'all really do some stupid shit.

He's a complete asshole
This is also a reason men lie. Some men are just dirty dogs. You know, the kind that will introduce you to a girl and tell you it's his cousin only to find out later that he was so boning her. The kind that tells you his "homegirl" is a lesbian just so you don't suspect anything. The kind that would steal from his own mother or tell you he's dying to get some sympathy pussy. The type that just has no regard for you as a woman. This is the only liar that's dangerous to forgive.

Sometimes I don't think men even realize the damage they cause to a relationship by lying. Maybe they don't realize that depending on the size or quantity of lies, it makes you start to question EVERYTHING they say. They hate to be investigated, but most of the time they bring it upon themselves by breaking the most important thing two people share: Trust.

Men need to realize that women tend to blame things on themselves. Sometimes if they're lied to, even if they don't admit it, they find a way to make it their fault. Especially in the case of cheating.

It also hurts to the core in a serious relationship. If you feel as though your man is your world, and your best friend, when you find out he has lied about something you start to think he doesn't feel the same about you. How could he just lie like that if he did? It leads to break downs in communication which leads to arguing, potential snooping, nagging, accusations, less or worse sex, etc. Get the picture?? All bad for you.

So - if you're NOT cheating - get your lying game together!!! I'm not promoting dishonesty, but if you're going to lie you liar - do it right.

First of all. Stop lying about stupid shit. Don't tell your woman you're going to the regular club when you're really going to the strip club. DUMB!! Even if she's the uptight type that don't go for that sort of thing, just be honest. Instead, break it down to her. Explain that the strip joint is the LAST place she needs to worry about your ass at. The danger is at the regular club! Or dang, invite her. Get her on your side and you won't have to lie.

Next, stop being so dumb. Clean up your evidence. You know why women rarely get caught doing anything?? We cover our tracks, duh.
Plus, women leave clues for other women that men never even see or think about...until it's too late. When I first met my boyfriend I made sure my hair was left all over his couch, bed, carpet and bathroom so that if he was lying and he DID have someone in his life, she would know I'd been there. I also visually scoured his apartment for any signs of a woman, including under the sink, the type of pictures and artwork that he had displayed, house hold products, movie collection, etc.
If you want to lie to a woman - think like one.

Don't forget to decide what's worth lying about. Most men just spout lies about anything. The first second they start to feel heat from their comes "See what had happened was..." Choose your fibs more carefully, that way, if you do get caught, the fact that you are mostly honest with her will count for a lot in getting you off the hook.

And lastly, the obvious: If a man don't have his word, he has nothing. I know some people would disagree with me, but that's especially true in a relationship. It won't grow without trust. In fact, it will regress. A relationship without trust is an immature and exhausting one.

A good woman can overlook some imperfections. She can see past your flaws to believe in your highest potential. Don't ruin that because you're a bad liar.

**Special thanks to @DaniellaR88 for inspiring this post. She might be more careful what she "inspires" next time! #skreefasquad

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Translation: What Men and Women REALLY Mean

You ever get the feeling that men and women don't even speak the same language? I mean, sometimes I know a heard a mahfucka clearly, but the words don't seem to mean the same thing to him as they mean to me.

I'm going to try and put my female biases aside for the sake of translating a few code phrases used by each sex.

When Men Say ______, It really means...

I'm on my way

Translation: I'm sitting on the couch smoking a blunt & playing PS3 procrastinating on what you need me to do.

I'm gonna be a little late

Translation: Take a nap, balance your check book, read War and Peace - I'm not getting there anytime soon.

I'll be there in 10 minutes

Translation: I'll be there in a half an hour. (Multiply whatever time he said by 3)

Why don't you go out with your friends this weekend?

Translation: I have something I want to do without you showing up, investigating, bitching at me about or holding over my head for the next 3 years.

I can't remember

Translation: I don't wanna tell you.

I forgot

Translation: I didn't feel like it. - Not to be confused with "I can't remember", "I forgot" is usually in reference to something you asked him to do.

I Promise

Translation: I know I should, I want to want to do it, but I still ultimately may not.

I'll Call You

Translation: I will "forget" call you. See above for the man-meaning of "forgot".

What's wrong?

Translation: Why you actin' like a bitch?

I don't even know that girl
Translation: That's the girl I'mma strangle for getting me in trouble with my woman. - Ladies understand, this DOESN'T mean he cheated with this girl necessarily, but she's shady, probably hoe-ish, and it's better off for him if you don't know about her.

See what had happened was...

Translation: That is NOT AT ALL what happened and the rest of what I'm about to say is a complete fabrication.

Now that that's out, time to talk about what SHE says. Its hard for me to give up this game, but let's translate for the ladies...

Nothing's Wrong

Translation: Something's wrong, and you better stop playin like you don't know what it is.

I'm Sorry

Translation: I still think I was right, but I don't want to fight anymore.

Just tell me the truth and I won't get mad

Translation: I will get furiously enraged to the point of changing colors like the Hulk and cause a huge scene.

I don't usually do this

Translation: I might not usually do this, but it certainly aint my first time and I don't wanna look like a hoe.

Size doesn't matter

Translation: I like you enough to overlook that at this point but if you do me dirty I'm telling the world you have a little dick.

I don't suck dick

Translation: I don't suck YOUR dick.

He's just a friend, it's not like that

Translation: I know he wants to fuck me, but I enjoy the attention.

Yes I wanna have your baby

Translation: You asked me this dumbass question during sex and now I can't ruin the moment by telling the truth. Thank God you're drunk and will "forget" this whole thing too.

I spent $50

Translation: I spent $100. - No matter if it's her money or your money, if you're in a situations where it's ya'lls money, multiply the number she tells you by 2.

You're Right

Translation: You're WRONG. I am just so right that I'm gonna let you think you're right until you get proven wrong at which point you will get the mother of all I told you so's. (This may be used in conjunction with "I'm Sorry")

There you have it. Broken down in plain English. I wish I could say let's just all be real with each other, but face it, the world would implode if we didn't tell each other these little white lies. It keeps the peace.

Friday, March 26, 2010


You like pussy right guys? And you wanna tell yourself that pussy likes you too, but let's be honest: Some of you are just unfuckable.

I've composed a list of losery qualities to help you become more fuckable. Avoid these things at all costs. Especially you douche bags that think you have it all together. Maybe you have a long term girl or you rely on parking lot pimpin after the club to get you laid, but that don't make you Casanova. Face it - you need the most help of all...

Don't Be Creepy.
Only approach women that you're catching that certain vibe from, because anyone else is grossed out by your advances.
Don't come off sleazy or overtly sexual, it's NOT sexy, I promise.
Don't use lame lines or "Where your man at?" as an ice breaker. Instead try just a simple "How you doin?" (NOT a Joey "how YOOOOUU doin"!!) or maybe a friendly compliment "Wow, you have pretty eyes, but you probably hear that all the time". Make your point without coming on too strong. Stalkers: you are in this category.

Don't Be Conceited
I can't stress this enough. If you're in love with yourself, then clearly you don't need our admiration. I don't wanna hear about all the celebrities you've met or how much money you make or how you killed a shark with your bare hands. And for GAWDSAKE!! DO NOT brag about your skills in the bed until I let you prove it! Be at least somewhat modest and humble about your good qualities. They will show all on their own.

Don't Be a Liar
Don't tell me you have one kid and you have three. Don't lie about your name or the fact that you still live with your mom, or your criminal record or marital status, etc. DON'T LIE!!!
I know it seems easy or like the smart thing to do, especially if you just wanna hit it, but I promise you...A) If I'm just boning you, I don't care and B)If you're just boning me and I'm starting to care, you need to drop me anyway because it's about to get messy.
A simple "none of your business" is 10 times better than a lie that comes to light later. Especially if you mess with a tellin' ass bitch and then piss her off. Not smart.

Don't Dress Like a Douche Bag
Ok, Ok, I know it's not a job interview, but if you look like a joke - you WILL be laughed at. Every woman, I'm sure, has certain things that just won't be tolerated. As you know, my thing is skinny jeans. If a dude wearing pants tighter than mine ever in his life tried to approach me, it would take my whole being not to crack on him until he cried.
Other items include mandals, gelmets, sunglasses in the club, too much jewelry, lines shaved in your eye brows or over arching, fauxhawks or brohawks, any form of man bag. I could go on for days.
There are very FEW exceptions, if your style is your style and you can put your own spin on it and rock it with confidence - then hey, be my guest.

Don't Name Your Dick
If you have a name for your member, that's best kept to yourself until we've reached a point that I think that's funny and not disturbing. In the beginning I don't wanna be introduced to your dick in the third person. It's weird.

Don't Be Cheap
This doesn't mean you have to be rich, or spend a lot of money. This just means, don't be a tight ass. It's fine if we do cheap or free activities together, no big deal. But you damn sure better offer to pay if there's money involved. Because if we continue to be together you best believe I will be spending money on you too. It's just not manly to be cheap. I can buy my own drinks and pay for my own shit, but what do I need a man around for that ain't gonna do nice things for me? Be more considerate than that. I don't care if you buy me a tall can and we sit in the car and just share each other's company. It's the act, not the price.

Don't Be a Flake
If you have something better to do than hang out with me, I could give two shits - but don't make plans with me and then flake out. Especially when nine times out of ten YOU called ME to kick it. Nothing says asshole like being super late or super flakey. Believe me, another man wants my time so if you don't - besta keep it pushin.

Don't Be Whiteboy Wasted
...even if you're a whiteboy. It's unattractive. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE to party, but nothing says bitch made like a man who can't handle his liquor or weed. If you're a light weight, watch it. I will clean your puke later on in the relationship if we make it that far, but I assure you we won't if you're staggering all over the place the first night.

Don't Piss on the Toilet Seat
If you wanna leave it up, fine, but don't make the asshole move and let me sit in piss. Or anything else disgusting involving your bodily functions. I have a friend who actually went to the restroom in a guys apartment only to find a chunk of poo on his toilet seat. She was then faced with the dilemma of calling him on it or cleaning it herself so he wouldn't think it was her. The fucken corker is that he was a plumber!!! Needless to say, that was the last time she saw him. Dan the plumber - if you're reading this, you're a nasty mahfucka and you oughta be ashamed of yourself!!

Don't Be an Asshole
If you treat wait staff or random people in public like shit. I'm gone. Don't say mean things to or about people until I know you well enough to determine whether that's your humor or you're just a dick.

Don't get me wrong, if you're cool with just bangin sluts and disrespecting yourself and the ladies that let you put it in 'em, you go right on ahead getting laid whatever way works for you. However, if you would like to increase the quality or quantity of your vagina usage, you're gonna need to take my advice.

Anything on the above list is just unacceptable.

Please feel free to leave your thoughts and comments. Ladies I know you're dying to elaborate on the subject. Fellas, feel free to add your two cents too.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I Pledge Allegiance To The Flag??

Ha! You thought I was all about bad boys and starfish and drankin-smokin-straight- West-Coastin, didn't you??

Well today I want to talk about something a little more serious:

The Pledge of Allegiance

Ever since I was little it bothered me that I had to recite the pledge. No one ever sat down and explained what it meant, or why we say it - even in private school. It was just expected that day in, day out everyone lined up like zombies and recited these sacred words. What bullshit.

By the time I realized that legally, my school could not make me say it, it was so ingrained in me that I usually still said it anyway. That sparked a whole 'nother thought in my mind which as an adult would come to be this: Why would I want to say something that I didn't mean and more importantly - if it was something I should mean, then why did the government have to jam it down my throat since I was five?

I have told my son since he started school that he did not have to say the pledge. In fact, I preferred if he didn't. Now in third grade, it came up in the car this morning. He said that he usually doesn't say it, except when the teacher looks at him because he doesn't want to get "busted".

Of course I flipped. I went into the whole "You stand up for what you believe in" and "If your teacher don't like it she can kiss my ass" lecture. I thought I had made it clear before, but understandably, when you're told to do something every day and everyone else does it too, it's easy to conform.

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

In order to truly be for or against reciting this pledge we must first take a look at what it means.

"I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands.
One nation, under God, indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all."

Merriam-Webster has several definitions for the word "allegiance". One of which is "the fidelity owed by a subject or citizen to a sovereign or government" and another of which is "devotion or loyalty to a person, group, or cause".

So now that we understand the meaning of what we're pledging, let's take a look at what we're pledging it to - "the REPUBLIC" for which the flag stands. The most appropriate and complete definition listed for "republic" is "a government in which supreme power resides in a body of citizens entitled to vote and is exercised by elected officers and representatives responsible to them and governing according to law".

The government. That's what it all boils down to. Why would a kindergartner (or a high school student for that matter) need to pledge their allegiance to the government?

Now the rest of it - that's beautiful, but it's contradictory, naive, and just plain not true:

"One nation under God" we are not, because we are supposed to have religious freedom. Although I personally have a strong faith in God, separation of church and state is what this country was supposedly founded on.

"Indivisible" we clearly are not, evident by the Civil War within this country from 1861-1865. The pledge was written in 1892, a time when our country was probably more so divided than ever. Not to mention, today our government wants to keep us divided and pitted against each other. It takes the focus off of what's really going down.

And I think we know that "liberty and justice for all" is a bold faced lie. It would take me 100 more blog posts to discuss the fallacies of that statement - from racism, sexism, our corrupt justice and welfare systems and the countless other atrocities our government has committed against it's own people.

COMMON SENSE tells me that our esteemed leaders have been lying to me and programming me to believe those lies since I was a child and it all started with the Pledge of Allegiance. THAT is why I had the discussion I did with my son. It's NOT OK to program people. We're NOT supposed to be robots.

It made me realize that maybe I need to be more educated about politics and what goes on in our government - what they want you to know and what they don't. How am I supposed to show him he should be different if I can't articulate to him why he should be different?

Fuck that pledge though.

* I encourage anyone with an opinion about the subject to leave their thoughts and comments. This type of post is definitely new and different for me, so also let me know how you liked it (or didn't). Thanks!!