Wednesday, October 6, 2010

What Makes Vaginas Sad

Bad Kissers


You guys, I almost feels sorry for. If you can't kiss there is NO WAY you're ever gonna get the coochie. It’s just not going down. We are gonna make any excuse we can to get thee hell outta there ASAP. "Oh shit, my babysitter just texted me, I have to go" or "I'm on my rag, I can't" or whatever else she can think of to get as far away from your mouth as possible.


Now, I'm sure "bad kissing" is subjective, and I'm sure women like different things, but I can just about guarantee you that if you are doing any of the following nobody is enjoying your smooches:


Do NOT shove your whole tongue down our throats. Ew. Ew. Ew. If I feel your teeth scraping the sides of my mouth I'm done.


No pickle tongue please. Do not poke, prod, or dart your tongue in and out of her mouth.


For God sakes shave. If you have sand paper for five o'clock shadow I'm going to punch you.


And lastly, just let it flow. Let me breathe. Come in and out for kisses. Big ones, little ones, move around town a little, whatever, but don’t hold me hostage by the back of my head and force me to hold my breath while you probe my stomach with your disgusting pokey pickle tongue.


Kiss soft at first and work up to more. Starting with a deep passionate kiss is awesome too, but it's a move reserved for pros only. Don't do it unless you KNOW you're the shit!


Moving right along, lets discuss foreplay.


Ding Dong Ditch and Other No-No's


I'm not sure why but it seems that since Junior High guys have thought that the best way to get a girl hot is by furiously finger banging her as if angrily ringing a door bell. Well guess what - no one's home mafucka!!!!


It's sensitive in there, you have to start slow, and newsflash: there's a lot more to making a vagina happy than just jamming your fingers in it. We have a lot going on down there. Unless you want us to start neglecting balls, you need to pay attention to all of it. Finesse it, and for fuck sake (literally) if you're gonna put your fingers up there know what you're looking for. When you do it right her reactions will let you know.


Make sure you make lots of eye contact. It doesn't matter if it's your girl or just someone you're boning. It's hawt. Also please speak up. Silence is the worst. How boring. Makes us wanna slap the top of your dick like a microphone and say "testes, testes, 1, 2 .. IS THIS THING ON???"


And for the best advice I can give ... drum roll ... Learn to eat pussy and enjoy it. Plain and simple.


Overall we prefer if you don't fumble around with no clear destination in mind. The object is to get us there or get us ready to get there. Don't be selfish, if you do it right we want more. Everybody is happy.


The Motion In The Ocean


When it comes to the actual sex, technique is key. Different women like different stuff, so you will have to find out what your working with by paying attention to her, but there are some things you just shouldn't do.


DO NOT try to bang it out off top. It is not a timed event, there is no rush. Also there is not a target on my cervix and this is not a boxing match. Now don't get me wrong - it’s cool to go hard in the paint, but not in the first 30 seconds. Respect it. Think of it like someone inviting you into their home. You wouldn't walk into somebody's house and start stomping around and breaking shit. Let her tell you or read her reactions before trying to puncture her lungs with your penis. Harder or faster doesn't necessarily mean better. That's a rookie move, develop some skill. Give us some good stroke game.


If you don't have stamina I would suggest you work on that because I'm sorry, but nobody is gonna cum in one minute seventeen seconds. However, sometimes it's just not your fault. Go for round 2 (or 3 or 4)! Or make up for it in other ways (see above pussy eating comment).


Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, don't you ever in your life get too freaky the first time you hit!!!! This is weeeeiirrd! Keep it somewhat basic until you get to know each other a little better. Any impressive "moves" you know would be Ok, but I swear the next time a guy tries to stick something in my ass the first time I'm gonna stick something in HIS ass and see how HE likes it. You can't just be doin' shit like that fellas. Freak nasty stuff has to be negotiated or at least suggested in a drunken stupor. No surprises.


So there's a general "what NOT to do", you will have to figure out the things you SHOULD do on your own, that post would take too long to write.

Please feel free to comment, leave you feelings or any No-No's I neglected to mention.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Women: Uncensored

Ok, so usually I try to not be biased in my writing. I try to think of men and women as equal but different. I make sure I don't insult the good men out there and I try to be honest about women’s faults too.




But I was thinking.... I owe it to my girls to not hold back just one time and say how we really feel. So if you are a man who is interested and you happen to give two shits how we feel, please read on. However since in my experience, a man who truly cares about a woman's feelings is a mythological creature, it looks like it may just be us girls.



So guys, if you're still reading, give me a pass to man bash just this once. You yourself are the only one who will know if this applies to you, so don't take it personal. Ladies...I'm waiting for my high fives.



To you sorry low down dirty mafuckas - We are tired of the following:

Being cheated on, hit, lied to, left financially responsible for everything, used, choked, pushed, cursed/yelled at, made to feel unimportant, used as an option, given shitty birthdays, not being acknowledged/appreciated, playing along with your bullshit crazy plans, raising children by ourselves, etc.



We also don't like it when you get our cars towed, impounded, totalled, or just generally taken on a constant basis.



We are not fond of phone calls from whores, skanks, strippers, baby mamas, and even YOUR mama if she seems to have a problem. We are even less fond of finding the belongings of the afore mentioned females.



It is also not okay to give us the ole "dirty dick" (which is administered by having sexual relations with more than one female at a time). We prefer not to be introduced to your conquests by being told that they are your cousin. When I find out that I smiled in that snooty bitch's face out of respect for your family and it turns out you're hittin that... I'm gonna be on the news. The same rules pertain to your side bitch's things, we don't want to unknowingly see or use any of there stuff including but not limited to cars, jewelry, hair, bras, panties, shoes, and STD's. Thank you.



As a word of advice to you dumb fucks: if you're going to cheat, make it random, no one really cares about that. If you carried on a relationship though - please die before we find out.



Also, do NOT pursue a relationship with us if you are already in one. Stay with your wife/baby mama/girlfriend whatever. We don't want your fucking half ass left overs.



For you bitch made muthafuckas that have to flex on your woman through physical force - Karma is a bitch just like you and I promise life will find a way to hand your ass to you.



To the liars - Read the post before last, get your game up. Lying just to lie is only done to hide the fact that the truth isn't even worth mentioning. If you are so ashamed of yourself or your actions that you have to frequently lie then maybe you should take your life to another place before attempting a relationship.



To the lazy, selfish mafuckas that don't eat pussy or roll right off and go to sleep as soon as they bust - I hope you develop a condition that allows you to come deafeningly close, but never actually come. Be a man. Satisfy your woman if she satisfies you. Everybody wins.



To you creeps that get us pregnant and leave us. I hope someone removes your testicles…through your ass. And DO NOT come back when your so called children are grown and try to take credit for ANYTHING good about that child. You didn’t do that you piece of shit, his mother did.



And for the few of you bastards who have a woman who has stuck by your disgusting unworthy ass through one or more of these atrocities - YOU ARE NOT SLICK. You are lucky. Your woman is either completely stupid, or just a really good woman. Maybe SHE doesn't even know which, but I guarantee you that regardless of which it is, you don't deserve her.



Yes, as women it is our duty to respect and even obey our men. God put us here to care for them and help them reach their goals and kind of be their "assistants" in life if you will - but Eve was made from Adam's rib to stand by his side, not from his ankle to be at his feet.



Behind every bitch there is a man that made her that way. I swear that saying is sooo true!! If you are put down, stomped on, held back, abused, hurt or mistreated enough times you will be forced to change as a defense mechanism. One true test of how strong a woman is (I think) is measured by how much of the above mentioned bullshit she can endure without letting it change her character.



So when do we get to flip?? When do we get to get mad and fight back? When do we get to crush your feelings, your livelihoods, your balls and your self worth? I'm guessing never...but posting this did make me feel a little bit better.

*Special thanks to the women who volunteered their misfortunes to be part of this post.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Lateral Moves

Question - Why do brawds always leave one guy because they claim he's a loser only to jump right into a relationship with an even bigger loser?? I mean come on ladies!! First of all, If you're leaving any kind of long term relationship you should allow yourself some time on your own. And when you DO decide you're ready to be with somebody WHY in THEE FUCK would you settle for some bullshit?

I just don't get it.

I have this theory about men and about how to be happy in life: I think EVERY man has problems (every woman too, but for the sake of argument I'm just talkin about the fellas right now). A smart woman will not hop from relationship to relationship looking for some greener grass. She will pick one basically decent man that she loves and STICK BY HIM. Learn his problems and love him through them. At least you know what to expect. I guarantee your dumb ass gon' be sorry when you leave a good man who loves you for a douche bag  with just as many problems which are now surprises to you. Rookie move bitch.

And another thing while I'm on this rant: Umm, did it ever occur to you chick, that the grass is never greener because YOUR stank ass is killing it?

I mean, come on. We have problems too ladies - some of us are clingy, some of us are cold, some of us are stalkers, sluts, skanks, etc. Some of us don't have no brains, some of us talk too much and tell too much business. Men gotta put up with a lot of shit too.

If you're sitting around wondering why you have nobody or why it never works, or why you keep attracting losers then maybe you should evaluate YOURSELF and make some changes.

Women (sometimes even me included) love to blame men for all their problems. Well ladies, I challenge you to take responsibility for your own situations. Placing blame elsewhere means you have no power.  It also means that you, my friend, are going to make a lot of lateral moves.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

What Men Need To Know To be Better Liars


Today let's talk about LYING. We all do it. If you say you NEVER lie...THATS a straight up LIE. It really don't matter how small or big - a lie is a lie is a lie. So now that we're all done judging each other, let's look at the reasons behind why men lie.

He doesn't want to hurt you
Maaaybe sometimes, just sometimes, your man will tell a lie because the truth looks bad, but was nothing, and he doesn't want to hurt you. More likely than this, however, is the next explanation...

He doesn't want to deal with your reaction
I would think this is probably the most common reason men tell lies. C'mon ladies, admit it...we tend to over analyze EVERYTHING. We are going to take the truth, then blow it completely out of proportion, then hang it over his head. Forever.

In our defense though, I would like to say that this is definitely NOT always the case. Sometimes our reaction is completely within logic and reason. Y'all really do some stupid shit.

He's a complete asshole
This is also a reason men lie. Some men are just dirty dogs. You know, the kind that will introduce you to a girl and tell you it's his cousin only to find out later that he was so boning her. The kind that tells you his "homegirl" is a lesbian just so you don't suspect anything. The kind that would steal from his own mother or tell you he's dying to get some sympathy pussy. The type that just has no regard for you as a woman. This is the only liar that's dangerous to forgive.




Sometimes I don't think men even realize the damage they cause to a relationship by lying. Maybe they don't realize that depending on the size or quantity of lies, it makes you start to question EVERYTHING they say. They hate to be investigated, but most of the time they bring it upon themselves by breaking the most important thing two people share: Trust.

Men need to realize that women tend to blame things on themselves. Sometimes if they're lied to, even if they don't admit it, they find a way to make it their fault. Especially in the case of cheating.

It also hurts to the core in a serious relationship. If you feel as though your man is your world, and your best friend, when you find out he has lied about something you start to think he doesn't feel the same about you. How could he just lie like that if he did? It leads to break downs in communication which leads to arguing, potential snooping, nagging, accusations, less or worse sex, etc. Get the picture?? All bad for you.

So - if you're NOT cheating - get your lying game together!!! I'm not promoting dishonesty, but if you're going to lie you liar - do it right.

First of all. Stop lying about stupid shit. Don't tell your woman you're going to the regular club when you're really going to the strip club. DUMB!! Even if she's the uptight type that don't go for that sort of thing, just be honest. Instead, break it down to her. Explain that the strip joint is the LAST place she needs to worry about your ass at. The danger is at the regular club! Or dang, invite her. Get her on your side and you won't have to lie.

Next, stop being so dumb. Clean up your evidence. You know why women rarely get caught doing anything?? We cover our tracks, duh.
Plus, women leave clues for other women that men never even see or think about...until it's too late. When I first met my boyfriend I made sure my hair was left all over his couch, bed, carpet and bathroom so that if he was lying and he DID have someone in his life, she would know I'd been there. I also visually scoured his apartment for any signs of a woman, including under the sink, the type of pictures and artwork that he had displayed, house hold products, movie collection, etc.
If you want to lie to a woman - think like one.

Don't forget to decide what's worth lying about. Most men just spout lies about anything. The first second they start to feel heat from their lady...here comes "See what had happened was..." Choose your fibs more carefully, that way, if you do get caught, the fact that you are mostly honest with her will count for a lot in getting you off the hook.

And lastly, the obvious: If a man don't have his word, he has nothing. I know some people would disagree with me, but that's especially true in a relationship. It won't grow without trust. In fact, it will regress. A relationship without trust is an immature and exhausting one.

A good woman can overlook some imperfections. She can see past your flaws to believe in your highest potential. Don't ruin that because you're a bad liar.

**Special thanks to @DaniellaR88 for inspiring this post. She might be more careful what she "inspires" next time! #skreefasquad

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Translation: What Men and Women REALLY Mean

You ever get the feeling that men and women don't even speak the same language? I mean, sometimes I know a heard a mahfucka clearly, but the words don't seem to mean the same thing to him as they mean to me.

I'm going to try and put my female biases aside for the sake of translating a few code phrases used by each sex.

When Men Say ______, It really means...

I'm on my way

Translation: I'm sitting on the couch smoking a blunt & playing PS3 procrastinating on what you need me to do.

I'm gonna be a little late

Translation: Take a nap, balance your check book, read War and Peace - I'm not getting there anytime soon.

I'll be there in 10 minutes

Translation: I'll be there in a half an hour. (Multiply whatever time he said by 3)

Why don't you go out with your friends this weekend?

Translation: I have something I want to do without you showing up, investigating, bitching at me about or holding over my head for the next 3 years.

I can't remember

Translation: I don't wanna tell you.

I forgot

Translation: I didn't feel like it. - Not to be confused with "I can't remember", "I forgot" is usually in reference to something you asked him to do.

I Promise

Translation: I know I should, I want to want to do it, but I still ultimately may not.


I'll Call You

Translation: I will "forget" call you. See above for the man-meaning of "forgot".

What's wrong?

Translation: Why you actin' like a bitch?

I don't even know that girl
Translation: That's the girl I'mma strangle for getting me in trouble with my woman. - Ladies understand, this DOESN'T mean he cheated with this girl necessarily, but she's shady, probably hoe-ish, and it's better off for him if you don't know about her.

See what had happened was...

Translation: That is NOT AT ALL what happened and the rest of what I'm about to say is a complete fabrication.


Now that that's out, time to talk about what SHE says. Its hard for me to give up this game, but let's translate for the ladies...

Nothing's Wrong

Translation: Something's wrong, and you better stop playin like you don't know what it is.

I'm Sorry

Translation: I still think I was right, but I don't want to fight anymore.

Just tell me the truth and I won't get mad

Translation: I will get furiously enraged to the point of changing colors like the Hulk and cause a huge scene.

I don't usually do this

Translation: I might not usually do this, but it certainly aint my first time and I don't wanna look like a hoe.

Size doesn't matter

Translation: I like you enough to overlook that at this point but if you do me dirty I'm telling the world you have a little dick.

I don't suck dick

Translation: I don't suck YOUR dick.

He's just a friend, it's not like that

Translation: I know he wants to fuck me, but I enjoy the attention.

Yes I wanna have your baby

Translation: You asked me this dumbass question during sex and now I can't ruin the moment by telling the truth. Thank God you're drunk and will "forget" this whole thing too.

I spent $50

Translation: I spent $100. - No matter if it's her money or your money, if you're in a situations where it's ya'lls money, multiply the number she tells you by 2.

You're Right

Translation: You're WRONG. I am just so right that I'm gonna let you think you're right until you get proven wrong at which point you will get the mother of all I told you so's. (This may be used in conjunction with "I'm Sorry")

There you have it. Broken down in plain English. I wish I could say let's just all be real with each other, but face it, the world would implode if we didn't tell each other these little white lies. It keeps the peace.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Unfuckable

You like pussy right guys? And you wanna tell yourself that pussy likes you too, but let's be honest: Some of you are just unfuckable.

I've composed a list of losery qualities to help you become more fuckable. Avoid these things at all costs. Especially you douche bags that think you have it all together. Maybe you have a long term girl or you rely on parking lot pimpin after the club to get you laid, but that don't make you Casanova. Face it - you need the most help of all...



Don't Be Creepy.
Only approach women that you're catching that certain vibe from, because anyone else is grossed out by your advances.
Don't come off sleazy or overtly sexual, it's NOT sexy, I promise.
Don't use lame lines or "Where your man at?" as an ice breaker. Instead try just a simple "How you doin?" (NOT a Joey "how YOOOOUU doin"!!) or maybe a friendly compliment "Wow, you have pretty eyes, but you probably hear that all the time". Make your point without coming on too strong. Stalkers: you are in this category.

Don't Be Conceited
I can't stress this enough. If you're in love with yourself, then clearly you don't need our admiration. I don't wanna hear about all the celebrities you've met or how much money you make or how you killed a shark with your bare hands. And for GAWDSAKE!! DO NOT brag about your skills in the bed until I let you prove it! Be at least somewhat modest and humble about your good qualities. They will show all on their own.

Don't Be a Liar
Don't tell me you have one kid and you have three. Don't lie about your name or the fact that you still live with your mom, or your criminal record or marital status, etc. DON'T LIE!!!
I know it seems easy or like the smart thing to do, especially if you just wanna hit it, but I promise you...A) If I'm just boning you, I don't care and B)If you're just boning me and I'm starting to care, you need to drop me anyway because it's about to get messy.
A simple "none of your business" is 10 times better than a lie that comes to light later. Especially if you mess with a tellin' ass bitch and then piss her off. Not smart.

Don't Dress Like a Douche Bag
Ok, Ok, I know it's not a job interview, but if you look like a joke - you WILL be laughed at. Every woman, I'm sure, has certain things that just won't be tolerated. As you know, my thing is skinny jeans. If a dude wearing pants tighter than mine ever in his life tried to approach me, it would take my whole being not to crack on him until he cried.
Other items include mandals, gelmets, sunglasses in the club, too much jewelry, lines shaved in your eye brows or over arching, fauxhawks or brohawks, any form of man bag. I could go on for days.
There are very FEW exceptions, if your style is your style and you can put your own spin on it and rock it with confidence - then hey, be my guest.




Don't Name Your Dick
If you have a name for your member, that's best kept to yourself until we've reached a point that I think that's funny and not disturbing. In the beginning I don't wanna be introduced to your dick in the third person. It's weird.

Don't Be Cheap
This doesn't mean you have to be rich, or spend a lot of money. This just means, don't be a tight ass. It's fine if we do cheap or free activities together, no big deal. But you damn sure better offer to pay if there's money involved. Because if we continue to be together you best believe I will be spending money on you too. It's just not manly to be cheap. I can buy my own drinks and pay for my own shit, but what do I need a man around for that ain't gonna do nice things for me? Be more considerate than that. I don't care if you buy me a tall can and we sit in the car and just share each other's company. It's the act, not the price.

Don't Be a Flake
If you have something better to do than hang out with me, I could give two shits - but don't make plans with me and then flake out. Especially when nine times out of ten YOU called ME to kick it. Nothing says asshole like being super late or super flakey. Believe me, another man wants my time so if you don't - besta keep it pushin.

Don't Be Whiteboy Wasted
...even if you're a whiteboy. It's unattractive. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE to party, but nothing says bitch made like a man who can't handle his liquor or weed. If you're a light weight, watch it. I will clean your puke later on in the relationship if we make it that far, but I assure you we won't if you're staggering all over the place the first night.

Don't Piss on the Toilet Seat
If you wanna leave it up, fine, but don't make the asshole move and let me sit in piss. Or anything else disgusting involving your bodily functions. I have a friend who actually went to the restroom in a guys apartment only to find a chunk of poo on his toilet seat. She was then faced with the dilemma of calling him on it or cleaning it herself so he wouldn't think it was her. The fucken corker is that he was a plumber!!! Needless to say, that was the last time she saw him. Dan the plumber - if you're reading this, you're a nasty mahfucka and you oughta be ashamed of yourself!!

Don't Be an Asshole
If you treat wait staff or random people in public like shit. I'm gone. Don't say mean things to or about people until I know you well enough to determine whether that's your humor or you're just a dick.

Don't get me wrong, if you're cool with just bangin sluts and disrespecting yourself and the ladies that let you put it in 'em, you go right on ahead getting laid whatever way works for you. However, if you would like to increase the quality or quantity of your vagina usage, you're gonna need to take my advice.

Anything on the above list is just unacceptable.

Please feel free to leave your thoughts and comments. Ladies I know you're dying to elaborate on the subject. Fellas, feel free to add your two cents too.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I Pledge Allegiance To The Flag??

Ha! You thought I was all about bad boys and starfish and drankin-smokin-straight- West-Coastin, didn't you??

Well today I want to talk about something a little more serious:

The Pledge of Allegiance

Ever since I was little it bothered me that I had to recite the pledge. No one ever sat down and explained what it meant, or why we say it - even in private school. It was just expected that day in, day out everyone lined up like zombies and recited these sacred words. What bullshit.

By the time I realized that legally, my school could not make me say it, it was so ingrained in me that I usually still said it anyway. That sparked a whole 'nother thought in my mind which as an adult would come to be this: Why would I want to say something that I didn't mean and more importantly - if it was something I should mean, then why did the government have to jam it down my throat since I was five?


I have told my son since he started school that he did not have to say the pledge. In fact, I preferred if he didn't. Now in third grade, it came up in the car this morning. He said that he usually doesn't say it, except when the teacher looks at him because he doesn't want to get "busted".

Of course I flipped. I went into the whole "You stand up for what you believe in" and "If your teacher don't like it she can kiss my ass" lecture. I thought I had made it clear before, but understandably, when you're told to do something every day and everyone else does it too, it's easy to conform.






Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

In order to truly be for or against reciting this pledge we must first take a look at what it means.

"I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands.
One nation, under God, indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all."

Merriam-Webster has several definitions for the word "allegiance". One of which is "the fidelity owed by a subject or citizen to a sovereign or government" and another of which is "devotion or loyalty to a person, group, or cause".

So now that we understand the meaning of what we're pledging, let's take a look at what we're pledging it to - "the REPUBLIC" for which the flag stands. The most appropriate and complete definition listed for "republic" is "a government in which supreme power resides in a body of citizens entitled to vote and is exercised by elected officers and representatives responsible to them and governing according to law".

The government. That's what it all boils down to. Why would a kindergartner (or a high school student for that matter) need to pledge their allegiance to the government?

Now the rest of it - that's beautiful, but it's contradictory, naive, and just plain not true:

"One nation under God" we are not, because we are supposed to have religious freedom. Although I personally have a strong faith in God, separation of church and state is what this country was supposedly founded on.

"Indivisible" we clearly are not, evident by the Civil War within this country from 1861-1865. The pledge was written in 1892, a time when our country was probably more so divided than ever. Not to mention, today our government wants to keep us divided and pitted against each other. It takes the focus off of what's really going down.

And I think we know that "liberty and justice for all" is a bold faced lie. It would take me 100 more blog posts to discuss the fallacies of that statement - from racism, sexism, our corrupt justice and welfare systems and the countless other atrocities our government has committed against it's own people.


COMMON SENSE tells me that our esteemed leaders have been lying to me and programming me to believe those lies since I was a child and it all started with the Pledge of Allegiance. THAT is why I had the discussion I did with my son. It's NOT OK to program people. We're NOT supposed to be robots.


It made me realize that maybe I need to be more educated about politics and what goes on in our government - what they want you to know and what they don't. How am I supposed to show him he should be different if I can't articulate to him why he should be different?

Fuck that pledge though.


* I encourage anyone with an opinion about the subject to leave their thoughts and comments. This type of post is definitely new and different for me, so also let me know how you liked it (or didn't). Thanks!!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Depths of a Thug by Warchild - 3rd Entry

Pussy Crooks


Who are these pussy crooks?
They are the boyfriends and baby daddies that shack up with a woman and play house - get the woman knocked up - or just end up being with her for years - beat the pussy up - knock the lining out that pussy - wear her down - cock block on another man - but will NEVER marry her ass.

Watch out ladies, he's wanted dead or alive by women across America. He's extorting the pussy....he's the Pussy Crook.

C'mon, walk with me...

Does he buy you a ring and say this is a promise or commitment ring? Some crooks might go so far as to say it's an actual engagement ring, call you his wifey, he's #1. Some will buy you whatever they can afford, but never walk your ass down that aisle or give you that last name. Beware: these Pussy Crooks steal the pussy and hold it hostage!



The drama of a crook being with a woman playing house but never marrying her is far more common than most women probably know. While marriage is not a top priority for some women, most women dream of getting married and it's their man saying HELL NAW, not now.

Most of these crooks add insult to injury by eventually leaving that long term relationship with you or the mother of their child and marrying some other woman they barely know. Stepping off and making the next broad an honest woman is a hurtful, but not the real issue.


The real issue is - Why don't they marry the woman that's been down for years or the woman who brought life to their seeds? Why are these crooks content with just playing house??

The effect it has on women is immeasurable. Most women equate marriage to self esteem. Having a husband for her gives her a sense of worthiness and value. Just the word "husband" and being able to say they have one gives a woman a sense of superiority. And the actual wedding - ladies know - they want to invite everyone they know, even if they don't like them, just so they can watch them get married and show that - yes, they are worthy. Even if they went through hell and back to make it happen. Women believe that if a man doesn't marry her there is something wrong with her.

Part of that reason is because a man that doesn't wanna marry you, but doesn't wanna lose you will focus on all your negative traits, past mistakes and plain ole dumb shit sometimes to support his position of stalling so that the woman begins to believe that she is not worthy of marriage. All the while these crooks enjoy her good qualities and comforts of her playing wifey. He has all the benefits and none of the commitment.

The painful reality for most is that once a man sees a flaw in you he may never marry you. He will always think he can do better. That the grass is greener on the other side.

A crook doesn't even have to have another woman in mind to assume the grass is greener somewhere else. When women meet a man that they develop feelings for and think he may be the one they GIVE UP THE PUSSY, move in with him and start playing wifey without the commitment. Cooking, cleaning, washing his draw's, dealing with his mama, putting up with his friends (ole crazy mahfuckas) - all in hopes of getting that ring and even more importantly - being his REAL wife.

No matter what some women do, there are certain men, crooks to the heart, who are just NEVER going to commit and will always have an excuse. With this crook, it doesn't matter how well you perform fellatio, that you put up with his bitchy mother, deal with all his other kids, get freaky in bed, run the house, help him with is business, turn a blind eye to his cheating, drug abuse or physical abuse - he will NEVER MARRY YOU - he's a CROOK, You could have wings on your back and an endorsement from Jehovah Himself and he will think he can do better, or that there is no benefit to that level of commitment.



Don't get it twisted ladies, the ones that don't wanna get married will tell you from the get go. Some will repeat it daily. The ones that don't tell ya'll give you clues like cheating, never setting a wedding date, or just never discussing it at all.

There are men out there that are looking for what you are too. When you find you the one that is it for you it is BLISS, but don't be afraid to say this ain't it. There is no crime in letting go of something that isn't working for you.

Finally, don't blame your man 100% for your situation - ultimately, you stayed because YOU wanted to. A Pussy Crook can only get away with what you allow. So at the end of the day, he may be stringing you along but you gave him the rope.

So beware of those Pussy Crooks!! And stay lovin those Thugs!!

This was inspired by the Pussy Crooks I know personally and this is dedicated to my 9 year old daughter Aaliyah who is too young to understand, but when she becomes a woman will avoid that type of man...Walk with me next week.

Warchild A.K.A urmahs

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Blow Jobs

Yes, I said blow jobs.

I was very torn on whether or not to share my thoughts on the subject. I sincerely hope that the recipient of my blow jobs is not offended or upset that I'm about to share the game that I'm sharing.

I'm gonna do my best to keep it real (like always) so if this gets graphic forgive me. What if my mom reads this? I can't believe I'm about to talk about this...


Quantity AND Quality

First of all, let me start by saying DO IT!! Helloooo bitches! The Loaded Gun Theory?? Have you not been paying attention. Do it and do it often and well. This serves so many purposes.

Let me tell you ladies: If you're too stuck up to get down and dirty to please your man, there is a line of hoodrats that wraps around the block and they are all licking their heavily glossed lips at the chance to suck your man's dick.

I can already hear all the high fives and hallelujahs coming from the men right about now! But c'mon now it's true. If you don't want him going else where, you better keep the sperm build up to a minimum.

I suggest a minimum of 5 times a week. If this sounds like too much for you, then you're obviously not as devoted as you think you might be. Keep in mind, you can have 2-3 in one day. Three good ones will probably put his ass outta commission for the next few days anyway. But, if he can take it everyday...give it everyday. Don't stop until he says he can take no more.

There's so many opportunities. I promise if you just try a few you will fuck up his whole mental. Try waking him up this way. Try asking him to pull over somewhere or even just on the freeway. Or, if you know he's getting ready to go out somewhere, make sure you allow time while he's getting ready for him to "unload". You will sleep a helluva lot easier knowing that he's drunk in the club with all those hoochies in his face, but he's completely at ease because they can't offer him nothing he didn't already get before he left the house.



Okay, okay. I know this is NOT every body's favorite pastime. Some women are down right disgusted by it, and understandably so. It can be scary. Male genitalia is ugly and intimidating at times, but you have to find a way to be one with the penis.

First of all, if it's sweaty, or not hygienically Kosher...just say so. He's a GUY! It's not a sensitive issue the way it could be with a girl. I'm sure he doesn't give a fuck what it takes, as long as he still gets his BJ. He was probably just playing basketball or something earlier anyway. Make a joke about it or go get a damn wash cloth and clean him off yourself. He will learn that you ain't puttin no dirty dick in your mouth.

Another problem for some girls is gag reflex. Nobody ever said you have to be a sword swallower. Use more hands than mouth, one on top of the other, like you would a baseball bat. It is just as effective. Also, you will be able to give different sensations and pressures simultaneously, a plus for him. If you're not confident in your skills, that's all the more reason to practice.

What He Doesn't Know

...and maybe you don't either, is that it is NOT demeaning. He is not the damn king of the world because you have his dick in your mouth. In fact, it's completely the opposite. You have ALL the control. What is he gonna do? It puts him in an extremely vulnerable position. You can tell him whatever you want and ask whatever you want. No man in his right mind is going to disagree with sheeit when you have his boys in your hand.

As you get better and better you will realize this power even more because he will ask, maybe even beg for you to do that one thing. Knowing you can do something to him in a way no one else can is extremely empowering.

If you're still not convinced, or if you still have questions I would be happy to address the ladies on a one on one basis. I would love to write a step by step fellatio guide, but unfortunately skanks can read too and I'm not giving up anymore of my game or technique than I already have.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Depths of a Thug by Warchild - 2nd Entry

Who wants TRUE Thug Lovin'??

C'mon, walk with me...

Thug Lovin': Who really knows what it is and how to do it?
Here's 10 tips on how to heat her ass up in the privacy of your own bedroom.

1. Know Your Role
Women, let your man lead. To experience Thug Lovin', he must first invoke sensuality to her body from top down, Focusing on frequency rather than friction.

2. Get Beyond That Mental Block
Conflict is like clutter. Clear it up before engaging to make room for intimacy.

3. Activate Intimacy
It's important to create ambiance. Try turning up the room temp to warm the body. (So that pussy will throb and those balls will hang.) Fill the air with the scent of passion, not too strong, and keep the color red around to ignite sensuality. Use candle light to create an intimate mood.

4. Engage Without An Agenda
Take ya time! Transform a physical interaction into a sexual journey. Approach love making as a playful exploration rather than a means to an end. You have to prep that meat before you cook and eat it.

5. It's All In The Kiss...4 Real
Consider the kiss the interview. Use the rhythm, pace and intensity of your kiss to express the kind of lover you are and the qualities you want when you make Thug Lovin'.

6.Breathe Each Other's Breath
Synchronized breathing is one step to arousal. (That "Oneness") Make the heat rise even higher by inhaling and exhaling just inches apart. Eye contact is encouraged to increase intensity. No closed eyes!

7. Express Yourself
When a woman remains silent in bed it's as if she's hiding in a dark room and the dude is fumbling around trying to find her. She can help guide him by using her voice.

8. Learn The Power of Touch
This is key. Use your finger tips and hands (both at the same time) to stimulate your partner's body. The more delicate and subtle the touch, the more powerful the effect.

9.Thugs: Hold That Fire...No Need For a 2nd Wind
To increase endurance while taking her down, try maintaining a slow, regulated breathing pattern. Bring direct contact to a stand still for a few seconds when necessary in order to return to a slow build. The goal is to maintain the same level of excitement from beginning to end. Use multiple positions. Put her every which way. Don't leave a place on her unexplored.

10. Women: Lay Off The Pocket Rocket
Take a break from your "lil friend" if you want to find the flow with your Thug. The truth is, he will never be able to match its frequency. Becoming too familiar with a toy or dildo can result in sexual frustration. It can also lead to pussy and clitoris numbness.


Now consider yourself a lil better off than you were before after reading these steps. TRY them. Utilize them. They will work for you. Ladies, if you have a square, J-cat, L7 or fuckboy and he seems to make you happy in every other area but intimacy - Tell him to look over these tips. It will help.

That Thug Lovin' is healing and exhilarating - just being able to feel that type of energy. No wonder they LUV that THUG PASSION!!

-Warchild AKA urmahs-

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Bitch Made Men

Let me start by saying - There's nothing worse than a Bitch Made Man.
I'm sorry, it's harsh, but it's true. Women don't like it and men don't respect it.

Most of these men really never admit to themselves that they are in the "bitch made" category, it's a hard pill to swallow. Most of the soft ass dudes I've come across spend so much time trying to hide their bitchiness that they don't fool anyone but themselves.

I'd like to explore what I think constitutes this unfortunate disorder and whether or not there is a cure.

First let me say that you don't have to be made of steel to be an upstanding guy. You just have to know what you stand for. Be firm but fair, never let anyone run over you, but also don't take advantage of others. Too much of a hard ass is just a douche bag. No one wants to be with a completely cold emotionless bastard.

You don't have to be the type to throw down, but personally, I need to know you can. Also, don't be afraid to check your woman. I don't mean chin-check her ass, but it's Ok to wear the pants and put your foot down at times. I know that I don't like to be with a dude I can walk all over. It's boring. Plus, if you can't check ME - who CAN you check?? I'm not about to have you hiding behind me if some real shit goes down.

Next thing is emotions. It's Ok to be emotional, just don't be feminine. Men don't cry. Sorry, that might be old skool, sexist, whatever you wanna call it, but in my book, unless someone dies - suck it up man. You need to be my shoulder to cry on. That's why you have testicles and I don't, remember?

Now keep in mind that doesn't mean you can't show emotion. You can get upset, or mad, or hurt just like us. Just choose to verbalize it with passion instead of whining. A good woman will recognize when she needs to be strong for you - and she'll do it without ever saying a word. A good woman will be that back bone and that glue that keeps a relationship together. She will always have a back up plan and an "I told you so" for when you fuck up, but she'll still let you be the man and fuck up in the first place.

There's some other key points for me as well:

If you're a hypocrite, that's automatic Bitch Made. A real man will admit to his mistakes and show his steps to change them rather than just say one thing and do another. Be a man of your word because at the end of the day, if you don't have that, you don't have anything anyway.

If you snitch in any way - Bitch Made. Don't throw you're homies under the bus to the cops, their girl, nothin'. Even if they stab you in the back, don't break that code. If you do, you're only disrespecting yourself.

If you wear skinny jeans - Bitch Made!! Sorry, I had to throw this one in. If you borrow pants from your little sister you do not have enough testosterone in your system. Unless we are about to get busy, I don't ever wanna see your knee caps or ball sack.


If you talk a lot but never say nothin' - Bitch Made. Don't speak on an issue unless you are educated enough about the subject to take a stance. Make sure when you open your mouth there is something of substance coming out. You never know who might be listening.

Now that that's all out on the table, I can't stress enough a few things that a REAL MAN does. Don't ever get it twisted for Bitch Made:

Love your woman. Keep her a priority in your crazy life. Make sure she gets the affection and the attention she needs to be fullfilled. A little bit goes a long way. You will be amazed at what a well taken care of woman will do for you. Hold her when she needs it. Kiss her everyday. Tell her you love her. Be her best friend, not just the man that messes up her house and gets her pussy. Listen to her when she talks and validate her feelings.
I promise you it will pay off.

Choose your battles. Don't knock out the dude at the next gas pump because you don't like how he looked at you. Don't flip a nutty on your chick because she said or did something you don't like. Don't act a fool in court because you know your charges are bullshit.

Just because you have the power to fuck shit up doesn't mean you should. Assess the situation and decide how important it is to prove your point. Sometimes you have to be man enough to let it go.

Don't be afraid to reach out. Even the toughest muthafucka in the world needs a hand from time to time. Stay humble. It's Ok to receive help from people close to you. Don't act like the world is against you. If you think you're too good or "too much of a man" to accept an act of love or good will from the right person, you may end up alienating the ones who really matter. Be appreciative and grateful that God put friends or family or a woman in your life to have your back.

As for a cure, I would say if there is one, the first step would be honesty. Take an honest look at yourself and strive to stay true to that. You don't have to be the hardest, richest, hottest or the best at anything in particular. Stop trying to impress everyone and just be you. People always respect it and if they don't then it's because they themselves lack substance. You know the saying...Real Recogize Real. It's true.

So if you feel you might need to man the fuck up - do yourself and the world a favor. Go watch some porn. Go drink a beer. Go to the gun range or a boxing match or something. Put on your "big boy britches" and own your own destiny. Don't be a Bitch Made Muthafucka.

A real man is a diamond in the rough, a true gem. A man with values, beliefs and back bone is priceless and rare. If you are one: don't let this world change you. If you find one: cherish him and hold on to him with both hands.

*special thanks for inspiring this topic goes to @wmburden who is definitely not Bitch Made.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Depths of a Thug by Warchild

First and foremost, I am a real Thug. What you are getting from this blog is true and sometimes personal for me. I'm very excited to share this lifestyle with you all and go into depth about the ups and many downs a person who lives this lifestyle goes through, and also, the people who go through it with him. This is by no means bragging or boasting about the lifestyle. This is only a close look at how "Thuggin" affects ones life. C'mon, walk with me..............


Subject: Should she stay or should she go?

He's never gonna change ! He's a Thug, he'll keep going back to jail. Should she leave him or support him while in jail??

What good is a woman who when a man is out is loyal, but when he's behind those walls leaves him, saying "I can't handle this."?? The truth is, that woman was NEVER loyal. If a woman is in a committed relationship while a man is on the outside she should stay committed to him while he's incarcerrated.

There are exceptions, one being the length of time he's doing. Say he gets a life sentence or 10 - 15 years. That's a long time to be committed to a person that's not gonna be there in the physical. The man incarcerated should also think about that woman. Is it fair to her to have to wait that long for you? For your mistake, something you did?

On the other hand, you said you wanted a bad boy. You said you love the Thugs. So should she love everything that goes with it? Even when friends and family tell her different? - "Girl he aint shit! He stay in and out of jail! What can he do for you in there?" or "Girl, I got somebody for you to meet."

Those are just a few of the things she might hear from her closest friends and relatives. Some succumb to the pressure, mostly younger women who look at 2 yrs (half time = 1 yr prison) or 16 months (half time = 8 mos prison) as a lifetime. Real muthafuckas do that type of time standing on their heads. That's called "wino time" or "short tymer". That's when you don't even mention your sentence, especially around people who are doing years, ya heard?

You find that if you have a little more history with the woman on the outside then the odds of her staying down during a period of incarceration is better. If you only been with the bitch 6 mos to a year, your odds might not be so good. That broad will send you that Dear John letter - have your ass lookin' like Boo Boo lookin' for Yogi.

There ARE exceptions. You might run into one that you have not known that long on the street, ya'll have only spent a little time together, but she wants to stay down with you. Those are Keepers. They let patience have its perfect work and they stand the test of time.

So to all my Thuggs, Bad Boys and Gangstas: ASK THEM WHEN YOU FIRST MEET THEM! They're attracted by your lifestyle, that swag. Can she accept the downfalls that come with it??

If so, when those unfortunate times come to pass you'll have a true Rider ridin' with you. If she says no, make her feet touch the gravel and tell her get on! No need wasting your time. She's a liability.

To the Ladies: Don't fuck with a flame if you don't like heat, ya heard? Meaning if you don't wanna be down during the Hard Times, don't be down at all. Find you a square, an L7, a fuckboy or something. You don't need a Thug.

So should she leave him or stay while he's in jail??

The answer is STAY 100%! She knew what it was when she got it!!

-WARCHILD AKA urmahs-

Thank you for reading. Please comment and leave your opinion.

Monday, February 1, 2010

THAT Bitch

Women always complain that the world is full of assholes and there are no good men left, but the truth is – those assholes may have at one time been good dudes….Until SHE got a hold of him.

Yep, you know her, or at least you are familiar with her work. She’s that bitch that ruined that rare gem of a good man for the rest of us. She made him feel so stupid or so small (no double meaning intended) that he decided he will never again put himself in a position to feel that heartache or embarrassment and then poof! He morphed into an asshole.

We all know the ways to spot an asshole – Mr. I’m-going-to-use-you-for-sex-and-not-call-you-any-other-time, Mr. I-have-more-kids-than-toes-and-don’t-take-care-of-none-of-them (kids OR toes yo), Mr. I’m-scared-of-commitment-because-I-might-wanna-fuck-someone-else, Mr. Say-I-love-you-when-I’m-drunk-and-act-like-it-never-happened – I could go on forever. So instead of taking the obvious route and male bashing (which I am usually dead set against) we are going to go straight to the root of the problem and talk about ways to spot “that bitch”.

Women have been bringing men down since the beginning of time. Eve tricked her husband into eating from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and there it was, the tone was set for a woman’s dark side to be sneaky and deceptive in nature. Men always say they want a woman just like their mama, but let’s re-think this – your mama might be “that bitch” in which case, do the opposite. Take a look at the woman you’re with and see if she’s too much of the following:

That bitch comes in many shapes and sizes but you can usually tell her by her long relationship rap sheet. She has more exes than underwear and changes them just as frequently. She is usually the type of woman who is never “alone” for more than a month or two. She might also tend to build her own personality based on her current man’s interests and beliefs. She may have an extensive history of “homie hoppin” or over lapping sexual relationships that will cause you turmoil. She is usually also the type of girl who will start a fight with a big ass dude and then say “My boyfriend is gonna kick your ass!!!”.

In most cases that bitch will be so gorgeous that your penis will not care about the substance of her character. Your penis will tell you that just because she didn’t answer her phone all night on Friday doesn’t mean that was her spotted leaving the club with ole boy. Your penis will tell you that she loves only you and is as virtuous as Mother Theresa….until she uses you up and disposes of you when a more lucrative opportunity arises.

That bitch is also usually a bit high maintenance, her selfish nature will probably be obvious to everyone but you. She might even change into something resembling a respectable woman, but I promise you, after a few years of marriage, her simple bitch tendencies will rear their ugly head again. So, before you even get that far, run your lady down the following check list. If you check more than one of these things off the list – Get rid of her, yesterday.





1) This broad has at any point, no matter how far in the past, been romantically linked to any of your friends or family members.

2) She currently has a significant other. Even if he's in jail...she's bad news.

3) She's under 25 and has more than 1 baby daddy or over 25 and has more than 2.

4) She is currently employed as a stripper.

5) She has had a previous boyfriend put in jail - for ANY reason.

6) She cannot count her ex boyfriends on one hand (2 if she's over 35).

7) She brings you around her child(ren) right away, and they dont even seem weirded out by their mom with some guy.

8) She has more than 4 girlfriends that she claims to be close with.

9) She automatically expects you to spend money on her.

10) Your mom hates her and has a valid reason for it.

If any part of this was not clear please refer to December's "Chickenheadz" post.

•Special thanks to Miss Nailah Summers AKA @gnarleybynature for suggesting this topic. #skreefasquad. Yes, I just hashtagged in my blog.

Monday, January 18, 2010

an excerpt from the book.... The Loaded Gun Theory, A Good Girls Guide To Loving a Bad Boy....

...I have this theory - I call it "The Loaded Gun Theory". It's to keep your man happy and yourself sane & secure.
-You NEVER let your man walk out the house with a "loaded gun". Chances are it might go off, and chances are, somebody might get hurt, and chances are, that somebody might be you-


This is the way I live and love. Always giving every piece of myself to make sure I get back what I need. sometimes I feel so exhausted and empty like I just cant do it anymore and then my emotions fill me up and give me the fuel I need to keep going. I'm addicted to it and it gives me what I need to keep loving his ass even when it feels like I'm last on his list.

He THINKS he has total control. Hell, I think he has total control, but the truth is that the survivor in me has been planting seeds from the start. Little moments and gestures that when added up tell him that he could never leave me. I am the yin to his yang. I balance him, he breathes me the same as I breathe him.

My extreme devotion to him is admirable yet probably not healthy, but what relationship is?There is a little girl in me still searching for my daddy. Still aching to feel acceptance and approval from a man. When a girl grows up with no father it affects her life in such a drastic way. I never believed that until I was older, but it's so true.

I go through this cycle of loving and hating my mate. The damaged part of me feeds off the drama. Like a drug, I use my relationship to feel highs and lows, all of it subconsciously. It feels so good to feel that love after I cry, to have an argument and feel the calm security of making up. I revel in it. I savor it. I feel whole and complete. And then, when the high wears off my insecurities creep back in, or he will do something to make me question his love and loyalty, and then that's all I see. All the love is forgotten for the moment because I don't believe it. How could anyone love me? How could this man that I see such great things in really want me?? I must be unlovable and undesirable because every man that was ever supposed to love me has left or abused me or both. I'm scared of even being loved, I don't know how and it seems I'm not that good at it.


Damaged people attract other damaged people, so true to form, my man is damaged too. He is a beautiful manipulative contradiction, just like me. He is my masculine counterpart and the only person who has seen me at my rawest. He is a powerful storm that calmly rages leaving me awe struck and helpless. He is a criminal and a king and an enigma. Being with him is like being hypnotized by a fire that you know will burn you - but the pain brings love.

We struggle together and clamour through life without much grace but abundant courage. We have volatile fights and passionate sex. He can make love to me just by looking into my eyes. After almost 6 years my skin still begs for his every touch.
Every time I want to leave him I'm magnetically pulled back to him by our unbreakable connection. We hurt and heal each other constantly. We love and hate each other without warning, but at the end of the day we have a deep understanding and profound respect for one another. He is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.

He is a gentle monster ravaged by life and his own struggles just trying to live his dreams and be left alone. Everyone tries to get a piece of him and no one gives him a chance. I stand by him, mentally battered, but proud and loyal. He will never run out of chances from me. I will never break him down and exploit the pieces, but hold him together even when he won't admit he needs it. I will silently watch his back even when he says he got it.I will submit to him always and take honor in my role as his woman.

I beg him for "normalcy" but know we can't be "normal". Why would we want to be? Normal means boring. Normal means more 50% divorce rate. Normal means telling someone you love them and will never leave them and then giving up on them first mistake they make.

I'm content for us to be different, to be reckless, but so intricately woven into each other that nothing short of an act of God could separate us. It is security in my own insecurity.