Tuesday, April 20, 2010

What Men Need To Know To be Better Liars

Today let's talk about LYING. We all do it. If you say you NEVER lie...THATS a straight up LIE. It really don't matter how small or big - a lie is a lie is a lie. So now that we're all done judging each other, let's look at the reasons behind why men lie.

He doesn't want to hurt you
Maaaybe sometimes, just sometimes, your man will tell a lie because the truth looks bad, but was nothing, and he doesn't want to hurt you. More likely than this, however, is the next explanation...

He doesn't want to deal with your reaction
I would think this is probably the most common reason men tell lies. C'mon ladies, admit it...we tend to over analyze EVERYTHING. We are going to take the truth, then blow it completely out of proportion, then hang it over his head. Forever.

In our defense though, I would like to say that this is definitely NOT always the case. Sometimes our reaction is completely within logic and reason. Y'all really do some stupid shit.

He's a complete asshole
This is also a reason men lie. Some men are just dirty dogs. You know, the kind that will introduce you to a girl and tell you it's his cousin only to find out later that he was so boning her. The kind that tells you his "homegirl" is a lesbian just so you don't suspect anything. The kind that would steal from his own mother or tell you he's dying to get some sympathy pussy. The type that just has no regard for you as a woman. This is the only liar that's dangerous to forgive.

Sometimes I don't think men even realize the damage they cause to a relationship by lying. Maybe they don't realize that depending on the size or quantity of lies, it makes you start to question EVERYTHING they say. They hate to be investigated, but most of the time they bring it upon themselves by breaking the most important thing two people share: Trust.

Men need to realize that women tend to blame things on themselves. Sometimes if they're lied to, even if they don't admit it, they find a way to make it their fault. Especially in the case of cheating.

It also hurts to the core in a serious relationship. If you feel as though your man is your world, and your best friend, when you find out he has lied about something you start to think he doesn't feel the same about you. How could he just lie like that if he did? It leads to break downs in communication which leads to arguing, potential snooping, nagging, accusations, less or worse sex, etc. Get the picture?? All bad for you.

So - if you're NOT cheating - get your lying game together!!! I'm not promoting dishonesty, but if you're going to lie you liar - do it right.

First of all. Stop lying about stupid shit. Don't tell your woman you're going to the regular club when you're really going to the strip club. DUMB!! Even if she's the uptight type that don't go for that sort of thing, just be honest. Instead, break it down to her. Explain that the strip joint is the LAST place she needs to worry about your ass at. The danger is at the regular club! Or dang, invite her. Get her on your side and you won't have to lie.

Next, stop being so dumb. Clean up your evidence. You know why women rarely get caught doing anything?? We cover our tracks, duh.
Plus, women leave clues for other women that men never even see or think about...until it's too late. When I first met my boyfriend I made sure my hair was left all over his couch, bed, carpet and bathroom so that if he was lying and he DID have someone in his life, she would know I'd been there. I also visually scoured his apartment for any signs of a woman, including under the sink, the type of pictures and artwork that he had displayed, house hold products, movie collection, etc.
If you want to lie to a woman - think like one.

Don't forget to decide what's worth lying about. Most men just spout lies about anything. The first second they start to feel heat from their lady...here comes "See what had happened was..." Choose your fibs more carefully, that way, if you do get caught, the fact that you are mostly honest with her will count for a lot in getting you off the hook.

And lastly, the obvious: If a man don't have his word, he has nothing. I know some people would disagree with me, but that's especially true in a relationship. It won't grow without trust. In fact, it will regress. A relationship without trust is an immature and exhausting one.

A good woman can overlook some imperfections. She can see past your flaws to believe in your highest potential. Don't ruin that because you're a bad liar.

**Special thanks to @DaniellaR88 for inspiring this post. She might be more careful what she "inspires" next time! #skreefasquad

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Translation: What Men and Women REALLY Mean

You ever get the feeling that men and women don't even speak the same language? I mean, sometimes I know a heard a mahfucka clearly, but the words don't seem to mean the same thing to him as they mean to me.

I'm going to try and put my female biases aside for the sake of translating a few code phrases used by each sex.

When Men Say ______, It really means...

I'm on my way

Translation: I'm sitting on the couch smoking a blunt & playing PS3 procrastinating on what you need me to do.

I'm gonna be a little late

Translation: Take a nap, balance your check book, read War and Peace - I'm not getting there anytime soon.

I'll be there in 10 minutes

Translation: I'll be there in a half an hour. (Multiply whatever time he said by 3)

Why don't you go out with your friends this weekend?

Translation: I have something I want to do without you showing up, investigating, bitching at me about or holding over my head for the next 3 years.

I can't remember

Translation: I don't wanna tell you.

I forgot

Translation: I didn't feel like it. - Not to be confused with "I can't remember", "I forgot" is usually in reference to something you asked him to do.

I Promise

Translation: I know I should, I want to want to do it, but I still ultimately may not.

I'll Call You

Translation: I will "forget" call you. See above for the man-meaning of "forgot".

What's wrong?

Translation: Why you actin' like a bitch?

I don't even know that girl
Translation: That's the girl I'mma strangle for getting me in trouble with my woman. - Ladies understand, this DOESN'T mean he cheated with this girl necessarily, but she's shady, probably hoe-ish, and it's better off for him if you don't know about her.

See what had happened was...

Translation: That is NOT AT ALL what happened and the rest of what I'm about to say is a complete fabrication.

Now that that's out, time to talk about what SHE says. Its hard for me to give up this game, but let's translate for the ladies...

Nothing's Wrong

Translation: Something's wrong, and you better stop playin like you don't know what it is.

I'm Sorry

Translation: I still think I was right, but I don't want to fight anymore.

Just tell me the truth and I won't get mad

Translation: I will get furiously enraged to the point of changing colors like the Hulk and cause a huge scene.

I don't usually do this

Translation: I might not usually do this, but it certainly aint my first time and I don't wanna look like a hoe.

Size doesn't matter

Translation: I like you enough to overlook that at this point but if you do me dirty I'm telling the world you have a little dick.

I don't suck dick

Translation: I don't suck YOUR dick.

He's just a friend, it's not like that

Translation: I know he wants to fuck me, but I enjoy the attention.

Yes I wanna have your baby

Translation: You asked me this dumbass question during sex and now I can't ruin the moment by telling the truth. Thank God you're drunk and will "forget" this whole thing too.

I spent $50

Translation: I spent $100. - No matter if it's her money or your money, if you're in a situations where it's ya'lls money, multiply the number she tells you by 2.

You're Right

Translation: You're WRONG. I am just so right that I'm gonna let you think you're right until you get proven wrong at which point you will get the mother of all I told you so's. (This may be used in conjunction with "I'm Sorry")

There you have it. Broken down in plain English. I wish I could say let's just all be real with each other, but face it, the world would implode if we didn't tell each other these little white lies. It keeps the peace.