Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Translation: What Men and Women REALLY Mean

You ever get the feeling that men and women don't even speak the same language? I mean, sometimes I know a heard a mahfucka clearly, but the words don't seem to mean the same thing to him as they mean to me.

I'm going to try and put my female biases aside for the sake of translating a few code phrases used by each sex.

When Men Say ______, It really means...

I'm on my way

Translation: I'm sitting on the couch smoking a blunt & playing PS3 procrastinating on what you need me to do.

I'm gonna be a little late

Translation: Take a nap, balance your check book, read War and Peace - I'm not getting there anytime soon.

I'll be there in 10 minutes

Translation: I'll be there in a half an hour. (Multiply whatever time he said by 3)

Why don't you go out with your friends this weekend?

Translation: I have something I want to do without you showing up, investigating, bitching at me about or holding over my head for the next 3 years.

I can't remember

Translation: I don't wanna tell you.

I forgot

Translation: I didn't feel like it. - Not to be confused with "I can't remember", "I forgot" is usually in reference to something you asked him to do.

I Promise

Translation: I know I should, I want to want to do it, but I still ultimately may not.

I'll Call You

Translation: I will "forget" call you. See above for the man-meaning of "forgot".

What's wrong?

Translation: Why you actin' like a bitch?

I don't even know that girl
Translation: That's the girl I'mma strangle for getting me in trouble with my woman. - Ladies understand, this DOESN'T mean he cheated with this girl necessarily, but she's shady, probably hoe-ish, and it's better off for him if you don't know about her.

See what had happened was...

Translation: That is NOT AT ALL what happened and the rest of what I'm about to say is a complete fabrication.

Now that that's out, time to talk about what SHE says. Its hard for me to give up this game, but let's translate for the ladies...

Nothing's Wrong

Translation: Something's wrong, and you better stop playin like you don't know what it is.

I'm Sorry

Translation: I still think I was right, but I don't want to fight anymore.

Just tell me the truth and I won't get mad

Translation: I will get furiously enraged to the point of changing colors like the Hulk and cause a huge scene.

I don't usually do this

Translation: I might not usually do this, but it certainly aint my first time and I don't wanna look like a hoe.

Size doesn't matter

Translation: I like you enough to overlook that at this point but if you do me dirty I'm telling the world you have a little dick.

I don't suck dick

Translation: I don't suck YOUR dick.

He's just a friend, it's not like that

Translation: I know he wants to fuck me, but I enjoy the attention.

Yes I wanna have your baby

Translation: You asked me this dumbass question during sex and now I can't ruin the moment by telling the truth. Thank God you're drunk and will "forget" this whole thing too.

I spent $50

Translation: I spent $100. - No matter if it's her money or your money, if you're in a situations where it's ya'lls money, multiply the number she tells you by 2.

You're Right

Translation: You're WRONG. I am just so right that I'm gonna let you think you're right until you get proven wrong at which point you will get the mother of all I told you so's. (This may be used in conjunction with "I'm Sorry")

There you have it. Broken down in plain English. I wish I could say let's just all be real with each other, but face it, the world would implode if we didn't tell each other these little white lies. It keeps the peace.


  1. More for men:

    She's my boy's ex
    What he's saying is that he wants to fuck her and tells you this so that you think she's off limits to him.

    Ok, I was gunna keep going but that would make me 1) give away all my knowledge and 2) illustrate all the bullshit I've been told. Kind of embarassing. Lol.

    Accurate translation though, Thizz.

  2. Vereidigte √úbersetzer I've used this translation and I've taught it very successfully in classes for English majors. Highly recommended: elegantly stern and gaudily unpretentious.